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The Brazilian and the WASP
By Jay | November 23, 2007
Do you ever fight with your spouse/partner?
I came across an interesting post in a blog that I like to read — Them’s Fighting Words over at Just Eat Your Cupcake. In it, Maria (the Author) massacres the old marriage adage, “never let the sun go down on your anger.” Actually I always thought of it as “Don’t Go to Sleep Angry,” but same meaning.
I’ve always tried to live by that adage, and have come close to driving myself nuts more than once. My Brazilian boyfriend and I don’t argue all that much, but for a good chunk of our relationship the arguments always seemed to start when we went to bed. During the day we’re busy, and in the evening there are always distractions. But when we settle into bed our minds are uncluttered and issues that we were distracted from during the perculate their way up to the surface. At least for him. And when one of these dirty little issues perculates to the surface, he has this awful habit of making some comment that seems innocuous, but that on some level is loaded with meaning. When I find myself saying “why did you have to bring this up just before I go to sleep,” I know that I’m in trouble. The comment festers in my mind for a moment; I think about it and then respond. But by then my bf has moved on, and is almost asleep, and then I’m even more upset that I’ve been made the victim of a hit and run comment. Well, I won’t let that fly, so I nudge him and retort. Annoyed that I’ve kept him from drifting off to sleep, he responds, and the gloves come off. So utterly predictable.
Eventually I gather my blankets and stomp up the stairs, setting myself up in the guest bedroom. I stew awhile. And then that line, “never go to sleep with your anger,” comes to me. So what to do? Well, usually I find an excuse to go back downstairs….a forgotten pillow or something. And my bf is always awake. We talk, calm down, and then finally we sleep, an hour or two or three after we had intended to.
We’ve stopped this over the past year or so. He’s gotten better about not making loaded comments before bed, and I’ve learned to let those comments slide. It’s pointless to lose sleep over an argument. But it’s a real skill to avoid doing so.
And in our case, we have very different temperaments. M. comes from a large Brazilian family. The first time I ever met them together I was shocked at how loud the room was. They seemed to be shouting at each other in Portuguese, frantically waving their arms. Everyone has an opinion and it usually comes out before it’s been given much thought. The person on the receiving end of that opinion usually rebuts it hotly, but then forgets about it a minute later.
My temperament is the epitome of “White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.” We’re quiet. We “discuss” issues. And if we raise our voices it is because we are really very, very angry. And if that should happen we go and sulk as we drink our scotch and don’t talk about the issue that caused the anger again. But we remember.
Living in New York City has taught me to take things far less seriously, as has living with a Brazilian. It’s a good thing, being around other cultures.
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Topics: Relationship |