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Defining Boundaries
By Jay | January 16, 2008
M. is going to Brazil in a week, and a relative asked him to buy a laptop computer and bring it to her. Computers in Brazil are about twice as expensive as they are here, and we have brought laptops with us to Brazil for relatives before. The problem is, this laptop costs about $3,000, and M. wants me to put it on my card, and then he will pay me the money when he gets back from Brazil.
I trust M., and I trust his family. But this is an awful lot of money. I canceled a vacation to Europe over Christmas to save $3,000, so I really don’t want to tie this money up on my credit cards now, even if it is going to be paid back in a month.
I told this to M. and he became very upset. “My niece will give my sister the money tomorrow. It will be in her hand. You don’t trust me. You think I’m going to spend all the money.” I explained to M. that a lot of things can happen between his sister’s hand in Brazil and my hand in the US. The computer could get lost, stolen or broken. M. could get robbed. There could be trouble at the border. Any number of things could happen and I don’t want to be worrying about this over the next two weeks. Nor do I feel that it is my obligation to take on something that is going to worry me.
Well, M. hasn’t talked to me all day. And I’m upset with him as well. First, I don’t like the pressure, the feeling that he is trying to manipulate me. This is my money we are arguing over, not his. Second, I am beginning to think that he really was planning to use the $3,000 as a loan, and to worry about paying me back when he got home. M. went to Brazil six months ago, and I didn’t approve him going again so soon. And I certainly wasn’t going to loan him money for the trip. So now I am angry that he tried to get at my money in an indirect way.
I need to be firm with my boundaries, but is it ever tough sometimes.
I would bet that most of us who are in debt have people in our lives who don’t respect our boundaries with money. In the end it is up to us to define and maintain our boundaries. We are responsible for choosing when and who to loan our money to. This is a part of financial responsibility.
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January 17th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Spending a large amount of money when there is a risk of not getting it back (however small) is always gut wrenching. Good for you for setting your boundaries!
January 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Is there a reason that he doesn’t have his own credit card? Perhaps it would be a good idea if he got one (they’ll even send it overnight if he calls today). I’m a firm believer in keeping good track of separate finances unless you’re actually married (or, I suppose, otherwise agree to have joint finances). I had one exboyfriend that was either always borrowing money or wanting to purchase things together and pay me back for half later…that kind of thing. I kept a notebook with the purchases, the amount owed, etc, and made him initial each line. It took him 5 months to pay me back after we broke up…but he paid me back. Good luck and hang in there!
January 17th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Thanks for the encouraging words!
He does have his own credit cards, but he’s just about maxed out on them, which was the main reason I wasn’t too happy about his second trip to Brazil in a year. I don’t want to live on the edge anymore; unfortunately he hasn’t made that decision yet.
We also looked into having the relatives in Brazil wire us the money, but there’s a 5% service charge and some potential tax issues. They’ve offered to pay an extra $150 (5%) for my troubles, so I’m thinking it over again. I do trust everyone in this affair; my main worries are the little unexpected disasters that can come up.
If I decide to do this I am going to put my terms in writing and make sure that everyone agrees. I’ve already told M. that if something happens I’m going to drag him onto Judge Judy!
January 18th, 2008 at 1:33 am
It’s good you set boundaries. If there are tax issues if money is wired, how is M. going to get money from his relatives to you? You can’t just waltz across the border with $3,000 cash (or can you?) Anyway M. can get the money and take back a computer the next time he goes. I think its good to set a boundary that you won’t lend him money. If it is easy to borrow money. M. will borrow money regardless of the motivation. If M. hasn’t made a decision to step away from the edge, don’t let him drag you there.