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Realizations
By Jay | February 10, 2008
So it’s been over a week since I wrote anything substantial on my blog. As I wrote a couple days ago, I have had a lot on my mind.
My partner M. is home in Brazil. He left two weeks and two days ago, and he returns a week from today. He goes to Brazil at least once per year, and when he does I usually retreat into myself, spending a lot of time writing, working on projects, reading, etc. I like to be by myself and look forward to my yearly break. Not this time though. I’ve been deeply disturbed by something and have been spending a lot of time in the evening with friends, talking it out, which is why I haven’t been blogging.
In the past year I have made many changes for myself, mostly around money. Eight months ago, around my 44th birthday, I took a good hard look at my finances and realized that I earn about $100k per year, and have almost nothing to show for it; and if I keep on my current course I will never ever be able to retire. This was a huge and painful realization. I had always had a carefree attitude about money, and being in debt didn’t particularly worry me. It has taken a few months, but I have added a lot more structure to my budget and finances, and am beginning to make some real progress toward paying off my debt and increasing my net worth.
My partner though has made no progress at all. I wasn’t happy about him spending the money to go to Brazil last August, and I am even less happy that he has spent the money to go to Brazil now. Both trips have gone on his credit cards. He makes about half of what I make, and I have always felt obligated somehow to carry the financial burden for both of us, but I am realizing that I have enabled him to get further into debt than he would have otherwise. Enabled. That’s a word we use with addicts. And debt is like an addiction. I once read a wonderful book by Julia Cameron called The Money Drunk. And it’s true. Those of us who don’t control our expenses ARE drunks. With our money.
I’ve made the change, and am approaching a sort of sobriety with my finances. I watch my partner headed toward what looks like a financial train wreck. In the past I would have done my part to turn that train around. This time I’m stepping aside to watch. I will not help anymore. These are simple words, but the meaning of them have taken a lot of time to sink in over the past week. It’s not that I don’t love my partner: I do. I hope he comes to some realizations of his own about money, and that he starts taking care of himself. I will even try to help him do that. But I will not save him from himself anymore. No one saved me from myself and my spending: I had to hit bottom, go through the pain of that, and come to my realizations on my own. He will have to do the same.
Over time we establish a lot of patterns, in our lives and in our relationships. Real change can overturn these patterns, which can bring emotional pain and chaos. This past week has been a difficult test for me. But I am confident in myself and in my current course. I will not step back.
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February 11th, 2008 at 8:55 am
This is one of those situations where you really should take a step back and watch the train wreck. I don’t want to sound mean but some people don’t learn unless they’ve been at rock bottom. I know that if I hadn’t hit rock bottom once or twice in my life I would never have learned anything about money.
Good luck! Be strong!
February 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Jay,
I think what you are going through (and it has nothing to do with age….well, maybe just a little bit) is called ‘growing up’. We all go through it. Some of us get that light bulb moment when we are young, and some of us (gulp…me) don’t get it till we are in our late (very late) 40’s.
It’s that time of life when we sit back and look at ourselves and say ‘what have we done? what have we accomplished?’
Since you found your light bulb moment, there is nothing wrong with sitting down with your SO and discussing it, calmly. I wish someone, who I loved and respected would have done that with me. It would have saved me time (and tons of money). If your SO doesn’t want to listen or heed your advice, then at least your conscience is clear.
Opposites always attract. I take risks. My DH is terrified. But I am the one who makes mistakes. He is the one who bails me out, so we’re a team. We both enjoy the good and the bad. Sometimes we win. Sometimes we lose. But we do it together.
Right now, DH and I are in a heated debate about buying foreign currencies. I say yes. He says no. But we talk (and scream) about it and it’s fine.
Sit and talk to your SO when he gets back from Brazil. We have to share our newfound knowledge with others. But just like a child, you may warn them not to touch a hot stove and if the child still goes ahead and touches it, it’s the child who will burn his hand, not you. But he/she will most assuredly listen to you the next time, no questions asked!
Good luck.
February 11th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Good luck I got my partner to stop borrowing from me many years ago, but I never got him to save. So I’m saving for two for retirement. He’ll claim it isn’t true, but he’s not looking into the future further than a year or two.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Matt: it’s hard, but you’re right. I really have to let him hit the wall this time.
Boomie: I just loved your comment.
I’ve certainly tried to talk to M. about money over the past few months, but it’s one subject that is very hard for us to have a rational discussion about, which for me is very frustrating. He accuses me of being controlling, and says “something will happen to help me.” I reply, “yeah, I’ll bail you out again like the other times you’ve gotten in trouble.”
Which cuts to the crux of the problem — he seems to project onto me whatever it is that blocks him from having what he wants financially. Is this intentional manipulation on his part? Perhaps. But maybe it is something that he just hasn’t thought through yet. He comes from a very poor background — his mother raised him and his 6 brothers & sisters by herself, after his father died when he was three. 8 of them in a small one bedroom apartment in a provincial Brazilian city. He slept under the dining room table, and sold cookies on the streets that his mother baked when he was 10 years old. His mother valued education greatly though, and one thing she did that changed all of her kids’ lives was to get a job as a lunch room attendant at a prestigious private school in his city. All her kids were enrolled there and it made a huge difference for the. Today they all live a comfortable life. His brother has a Ph.D, and a sister is a lawyer.
I will try to have a heart to heart when he returns, if only to set my boundaries and make him understand that he can’t turn to me for bailouts anymore, no matter what.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Paul, at least he looks a year or two into the future. Mine looks a month or two — if that!
Ah well, getting them to stop borrowing is the main thing. Beyond that, it’s just one of the compromises we need to make….