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Lightbulb Moments
By Jay | February 17, 2008
M. returns from Brazil tomorrow. I’ve had 3 weeks to think about what I want, out of our relationship and out of my life. I have resolved to build an emergency fund and to pay down my debt, and I have decided that he won’t get in my way. It’s hard to think of him as someone who gets in my way, but I have changed a lot over the past year; he is more stuck in his spending and debt-ridden ways than ever. It’s funny to think that we can grow, we can change, and the people who once brought us so much security and happiness can seem like they no longer fit into our lives. I feel bad about this; it’s not like I was always conscientious about paying my debt and saving money — I have managed to accumulate $40,000 of debt! But as someone commented a few days ago, I’ve had my “lightbulb” moment, and after that I can never be the same. So either he’ll change & grow, or we will grow apart. And I am ready for that outcome. I am working hard at integrity, and am not in the mood to let anyone — ANYONE — lead me away from what I need to do.
Integrity….I always felt that I had integrity, but now I am realizing that this hasn’t been the case. Well, that’s not quite true, I’ve never missed a payment, never missed a debt. If I owe a friend I pay. I’m honest….with everyone else. But I haven’t been honest with myself. This is one of the lessons I’ve learned over the past year as I change my financial position, and change the way I look at myself and my life.
I put myself into credit card debt. I put myself into credit card debt while earning $75k to $100k each year over the past ten years. And I have no one else to blame — no medical bills, no emergencies, no hard-luck stories. Just a slow trickle of spending more than I earned, thinking that I deserved a better lifestyle than what I could afford. I may be honest and conscientious with my payments and with my friends, but I have not been honest and conscientious with myself and my finances.
For anyone reading this who is in debt, wondering how you got there, and wondering how to get out of the hole you made for yourself…..this is where you must begin. By being honest with yourself and accepting that you have not been living with integrity. That’s just one sentence, with 15 words, but there is a lot embodied in that sentence. I know — I’ve been staring it in the face for the past six months, and I’m finally getting it.
Once you get it, a lot changes — the whole equilibrium of your life. You begin to realize who is helping you and who is getting in your way, pulling you from the correct path, and it can really be awful to see that people who you love — your mother, your partner, your best friend — are wittingly or unwittingly sabotaging you. It can be even harder to realize how many people you didn’t realize had much to offer could have really changed you for the better had you been open to what they had to offer. And to realize how many lessons, how many opportunities you pass up in your day-to-day life.
But there is also a rock-solid confidence that you gain by facing these things and choosing to be honest with yourself no matter what. Me, I don’t know how everything will work out, but I do know that I will figure out a way, that my life will become better because I am doing this.
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Stumble it!
February 18th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Hi Jay, It’s good to hear about your decision. Change is difficult. With your focus on what you need to do, how you need to be honest with yourself, I have confidence that you’ll succeed.
February 18th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Good job! When we decided to get out of debt, the first thing we had to admit was that we had done a ‘bad job’ managing our finances — but, we quickly had to agree that we were not ‘bad people’ — we gathered our documents, made a plan, and then worked, worked, worked. Now, my wife and I are debt free - and we look back to our own ‘ah ha’ moment and go, ‘thank God!’ for that…
rock on,
NCN
February 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Good decision and I know exactly where you’re coming from I managed to accumulate a great deal of debt in exactly the same manner as you. The “lightbulb moment” is a great term for it since thats what it is… a moment where you realize you’ve been an idiot and what to do to fix it.
Good luck! Don’t let anyone or anything stop you.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Good post Jay… it can be a bit scary to venture out without a loved one with you… but being true to yourself is worth more than gold.
My best to you.
February 18th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
You’ll make it. Rock on.
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