Midlife Beginnings

So my vacation has been relaxing and, after 7 days, I’ve finally put my job out of my mind. 3 days to go before I have to step back into the office. Ugh!

I have my laptop so have been doing a lot of research on book selling, and creating a brand for my business. I’ve had to fight the desire to get everything done this week, and force myself to turn off the computer after 4-5 hours of work. After all, this is a vacation!

But my decision to stay close to home has kept me close to myself. Whereas most vacations are a bit of an escape from my day-to-day life, this one has brought me more into my day-to-day life than ever. And with M. out of town, I have plenty of time to think.

Most of all, I’ve been realizing how my own thought and behavior patterns have contributed to my present dissatisfaction, and how my spending habits have limited my flexibility in choosing a new work path. I haven’t had a drink in a couple weeks now, but I find my craving for sugar has gone through the ceiling. I think the two are related, as alcohol = sugar. At any rate, ice cream, pastries, cake, cookies — I’ve been stuffing my face with these things for the past week or so. This is not normal for me; I normally go for days without eating sweets. They have a real impact on my mood. And I have only myself to blame for eating them.

Just as I have only myself to blame for my current financial situation. It has gotten much better over the past few years, but I am still a year or so away from paying down all of my debt and having a cushion of savings. When I think back on how much money I spent on things that I did not need…. I’ve become much more pragmatic about money and business. It used to be that I just assumed that I would keep climbing the corporate ladder, get raises and bigger bonuses each year and, when I was 50-55 I’d have enough to retire. What I didn’t anticipate was coming to loath working in an office every day for a big corporation. Now I’m 45 and not where I thought I would be. I’m also somewhat trapped because of my actions in the past.

In general I do feel trapped by my circumstances. I am not where I want to be, and it’s hard to see the actions I need to take in order to get where I want to be. I want to leave my job by January. I think that my book business will generate enough income to pay the rent, but then what? I don’t mind having the book business as my muse (as defined in The 4-Hour Workweek, a muse is a job that pays the rent but doesn’t take too much time, giving one freedom to pursue the goals that one really wants to pursue). But I’ve been so utterly involved in my job and my book business that I have forgotten what it is that I really want to do, what my real goals are. This is the primary reason I want to leave the job, by the way. The department I am in demands this kind of commitment from it’s workers, and I don’t see anything changing.

But getting back to what I want, an important question to ask myself is, “What would I do with my days if I had money and didn’t need to work?” That’s easy: I would travel and volunteer a lot. But this answer is vague. It’s one thing to say that I would travel, but it is another thing to imagine how my days in, say, Marrakech or Buenos Aires would be filled. A few years ago I know what I would have done in Marrakech — smoked lots of hash and seduced beautiful young Moroccan men. But I’m not young anymore, and that kind of life doesn’t hold much allure for me these days.

Still, just because I’m getting old doesn’t mean I need to be dour. It’s my sense of humor that I’ve lost over the last year, as I’ve gotten more cynical and jaded. I don’t need to let that happen. I think that realizing one needs to change is the first step toward real change. I’m getting there.

Popularity: 35% [?]

Share This